Mature Gay Mens Love Coach

With the passing of well know and award winning author E. Lynn Harris this past week my thoughts run towards quality of live issues.   Given our own mortality, one would hope later not sooner, how do we spent out time?  The Twelve Step slogan “One Day at A Time” reminds us of the finite nature of our moments, hours, days, and span. And the goal of living this day, just this day, to it’s fullest.

All to often we hear, or state to others, “I’m so busy.  I don’t have enough time. When can I ever find the time to see you.”

The use of our time is about decisions.  Do you spend an evening watching some inane television…or worse yet, reruns of ‘Law & Order’ you’ve already seen three times?  Or is spending and hour on the phone catching up with two old friends giving them the quality time only you can offer a better use of your time?  Which do you want to choose?

Living ‘One Day at A Time’ means making choices.  Only you can decide how you’re going to enrich the lives of others, and thereby your own life.

Coaching Assignment:  List three ways in which you waste the precious time you have in one single day.  Any day will do, yet a weekend day might be a good place to start.  Then list three things you WILL do differently with each of those hours you choose to be filled with more quality.  Report back so we can explore your decisions further.

Are you drifting thru  live?  Or are you enjoying the quality of the swim with others?

Coach Ronald

ODAT

Email me

Books by E. Lynn Harris

E. Lynn Harris – Huffington Post

CBS Early Show Interview – Pam House Blend

E. Lynn Harris Official Website

In a recent conversation with a young gay man I’ve been mentoring for a year now, Malik was lamenting about  his challenges with finding a new boyfriend.  There where big problems with his latest attempt with a new “Mr Right”.

‘The sex is great, but I can’t spend time with him, besides he lives an hour away.  I’m not sure I’m available for him.”  This opened up a discussion around availability between me and him.

I asked the very simple question: What does being available mean to you Malik?  Now mind you this is a very intelligent young man who knows himself very well at his tender age.  I look forward to being a part of his life as he goes off to college soon, but I digress.

We quickly outlined three aspects of availability which I’d like to flesh out here.

• Proxmity
• Emotional Connectedness
• Willingness

Proxmity

Malik was clearly able to see that he was not going to be available for a local boyfriend anytime soon as he was about to embark on the new journey of his college education.  His acceptance to a university halfway across the country would not make him available for a boyfriend in his home town.

While long distance relationships can work, they are filled with challenges.  Spending time with your boyfriend and going out, seeing movies, being with friends, or simple being in the same house with him is much more difficult if he lives 300 miles away.

IM’s, text messages, and even phone calls do not replace the personal connection of being with someone, in the flesh so to speak.  And the physical intimacy, the sex?  It often overshadows the emotional, intellectual, and the other connections when you only see each other a few times a month.  (There’s something strangly odd having phone sex with someone you’re used to sleeping with every nite too.)

Emotional Connectedness

Malik realizes the need for an emotional connection.  This can be as simple as listening about a difficult day; responding to a concern; airing differences; and the many other ways we connect on an emotional level.  These very nuanced connections are challenging when we don’t see each other often.  The little things in life, that make up a big part of our relationship, simple slip away.

Willingness

Now this is where Malik really made a breakthrough in his own understanding around his requirements in a relationship.  He realized he was unwilling to invest in a relationship which would not supply the important needs he had defined for himself.

Malik needed an an emotional connection.  He needed to be with a boyfriend/lover on a regular basis.  He needed a relationship that was based on more then just sex.

In short,  what he needed in a relationship would not, could not, be met with this new guy.  For these reasons he was unwilling to continue to invest energy, time, and commitment to him.

What are your needs/desires/requirements?  Have you defined them?  Are you looking at what you want in a relationship?  I invite you to share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Coach Notes:  The pleasure of sharing my experiences and life lessons with a young gay man, who is newly coming out and connecting with others, is immense.  Malik is a very willing, and eager young man who values the connection with an older gay man.

Who are you sharing your experience with?

If at all possible be available to the young gay men in your world.  Share with them, teach them, support them, but more importently listen to them.  They are telling your story from which you can learn also.

These young men need, desire, and deserve the experience of an older, perhaps more mature ‘Gay Uncle’  to walk with them on their journey.  Malik affectionately calls me his ‘Fairy God Father’…and for that I’m grateful.  Have you ever wondered how your life would be different it you’d had a ‘older gay brother’ to share his experience with you?

Who is in your world now who you could be a mentor to?

As is the custom for many of us, today we may contemplate the commitments to a few New Years Resolutions or two. A commitment? To really follow thru? Or simple believe we will still be at it in six months, well three months. Ok we’ll think about thinking about doing something new in the new year.’

Ok, lets try something different. I’ve three requests of you in this new year. This is what a Coach does, makes requests, and I like the power of three since usually one, hopefully all of the three can be accomplished. These requests are not really all that difficult. (Your mileage may vary tho)

#1 Be good to yourself first

* Honor your body: Join a gym, or go back (often) to the one you’re all ready a member of.
* Eat well: Take a look at what you put into your body and incrementally feed yourself in new and better ways.
* Begin thinking in new way: Stop beating yourself for past failings. Look at today as a new, and only day you have. Be more positive and when possible, push out those thoughts which don’t serve your well being.
* Nourish your soul: Continue to participate in a form of spirituality which works for you, or recommit to those forms of ’soul nourishment‘ which worked for you in the past that may have drifted out of your life.
* Join a new group, or engage those you’ve been a part of before. (Book club; meditation group; social activism; social activities; 12 Step; volunteer for an agency; staff a phone line.)

#2 Be good to others

* Commit to supporting the friends, relatives, coworkers, and lovers in your life now. Call someone you’ve lost track of. Remind all those around you just how important they are to you, and to your life.
* Perform ‘random acts of kindness‘ each and every day. The joy of these simple acts will bring untold satisfaction into your life, with little or no energy on you part.
* Join a group (see above and add to that list those places where you can make a even a small difference in the life of someone else).

#3 Be good to the earth. Ok, well this one is fairly easy and we’ve all heard what we need to do so I won’t expound my thoughts here. Simple put, do what you can on a daily basis to preserve our planet.

Alternative #4. Ok, I said three yet here is a 4th for those of you who are looking for a new guy to share your life with.

This one’s simple, stay tuned. I’m about to unveil this new website for those who are looking for Mr Right, and the clever one’s in the room have already figured out the name of this new site. ISOMrRight.com! How simple is that?

I’ll let you know when it’s ready to be opened up for the visiting public.  The place is a bit busy and messy right now with me, a consultant guy, and George the cat moving things around and finding places for all the old stuff and all the kewl new widgets and the like.   Stay tuned!