Mature Gay Mens Love Coach

With the passing of well know and award winning author E. Lynn Harris this past week my thoughts run towards quality of live issues.   Given our own mortality, one would hope later not sooner, how do we spent out time?  The Twelve Step slogan “One Day at A Time” reminds us of the finite nature of our moments, hours, days, and span. And the goal of living this day, just this day, to it’s fullest.

All to often we hear, or state to others, “I’m so busy.  I don’t have enough time. When can I ever find the time to see you.”

The use of our time is about decisions.  Do you spend an evening watching some inane television…or worse yet, reruns of ‘Law & Order’ you’ve already seen three times?  Or is spending and hour on the phone catching up with two old friends giving them the quality time only you can offer a better use of your time?  Which do you want to choose?

Living ‘One Day at A Time’ means making choices.  Only you can decide how you’re going to enrich the lives of others, and thereby your own life.

Coaching Assignment:  List three ways in which you waste the precious time you have in one single day.  Any day will do, yet a weekend day might be a good place to start.  Then list three things you WILL do differently with each of those hours you choose to be filled with more quality.  Report back so we can explore your decisions further.

Are you drifting thru  live?  Or are you enjoying the quality of the swim with others?

Coach Ronald

ODAT

Email me

Books by E. Lynn Harris

E. Lynn Harris – Huffington Post

CBS Early Show Interview – Pam House Blend

E. Lynn Harris Official Website

It can often be very difficult to determine if a guy is gay, or if he’s even interested for that matter.

Here are just two of the techniques that work for me.  The first one is to pay attention to who he’s looking at.  If he is checking out the hot/cute/hunky/older/younger (you name it) guy across the room he may be gay.

Now if he is checking out the women with the big, hanging out of her shirt breastesses then he probably is not gay.

But then again even if he is not gay he may not be adverse to an invitation back to your place to see what comes up when you ask him is he wants to see your pet python, so to speak. (was that a run-on sentence or what?)

Secondly, if a guy holds eye contact for more then 5 seconds he may be gay. Most non-gay (read straight) men will not hold your gaze that long. If he does look you in the eyes for a long time he still may not be gay, but simple nearsighted. He may think he staring at a cute women with short blond hair, when it’s actually me, a cute guy with short blond hair. (devilish grin)

Now if he’s checking out my ‘more the amble package’ (ya, right), my bootee, or my smile he then may be gay or simple interested in seeing what else I have to offer.

Sometimes when I’m out and about I’ll wear a lil HRC equals sticker on my shirt.  Or a Tee with a gay related symbol on it.  Those who know the symbol know it as that of the  (Human Rights Campaign ) a national gay lobby group and assume that I may be gay too. It does open up the door for some interesting conversations.

Those are my rambling thoughts and musings.  Care to add a comment or two about your use of your GayDar?  Please feel free to do so below.

In a recent conversation with a young gay man I’ve been mentoring for a year now, Malik was lamenting about  his challenges with finding a new boyfriend.  There where big problems with his latest attempt with a new “Mr Right”.

‘The sex is great, but I can’t spend time with him, besides he lives an hour away.  I’m not sure I’m available for him.”  This opened up a discussion around availability between me and him.

I asked the very simple question: What does being available mean to you Malik?  Now mind you this is a very intelligent young man who knows himself very well at his tender age.  I look forward to being a part of his life as he goes off to college soon, but I digress.

We quickly outlined three aspects of availability which I’d like to flesh out here.

• Proxmity
• Emotional Connectedness
• Willingness

Proxmity

Malik was clearly able to see that he was not going to be available for a local boyfriend anytime soon as he was about to embark on the new journey of his college education.  His acceptance to a university halfway across the country would not make him available for a boyfriend in his home town.

While long distance relationships can work, they are filled with challenges.  Spending time with your boyfriend and going out, seeing movies, being with friends, or simple being in the same house with him is much more difficult if he lives 300 miles away.

IM’s, text messages, and even phone calls do not replace the personal connection of being with someone, in the flesh so to speak.  And the physical intimacy, the sex?  It often overshadows the emotional, intellectual, and the other connections when you only see each other a few times a month.  (There’s something strangly odd having phone sex with someone you’re used to sleeping with every nite too.)

Emotional Connectedness

Malik realizes the need for an emotional connection.  This can be as simple as listening about a difficult day; responding to a concern; airing differences; and the many other ways we connect on an emotional level.  These very nuanced connections are challenging when we don’t see each other often.  The little things in life, that make up a big part of our relationship, simple slip away.

Willingness

Now this is where Malik really made a breakthrough in his own understanding around his requirements in a relationship.  He realized he was unwilling to invest in a relationship which would not supply the important needs he had defined for himself.

Malik needed an an emotional connection.  He needed to be with a boyfriend/lover on a regular basis.  He needed a relationship that was based on more then just sex.

In short,  what he needed in a relationship would not, could not, be met with this new guy.  For these reasons he was unwilling to continue to invest energy, time, and commitment to him.

What are your needs/desires/requirements?  Have you defined them?  Are you looking at what you want in a relationship?  I invite you to share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Coach Notes:  The pleasure of sharing my experiences and life lessons with a young gay man, who is newly coming out and connecting with others, is immense.  Malik is a very willing, and eager young man who values the connection with an older gay man.

Who are you sharing your experience with?

If at all possible be available to the young gay men in your world.  Share with them, teach them, support them, but more importently listen to them.  They are telling your story from which you can learn also.

These young men need, desire, and deserve the experience of an older, perhaps more mature ‘Gay Uncle’  to walk with them on their journey.  Malik affectionately calls me his ‘Fairy God Father’…and for that I’m grateful.  Have you ever wondered how your life would be different it you’d had a ‘older gay brother’ to share his experience with you?

Who is in your world now who you could be a mentor to?

One of my New Years Resolution requests was for you to be ‘good to others’.  This includes reaching out to others, offering a word of encouragement, a kind word, simply a connection,  or reconnection.  Let me relate my experience of doing just that.

I made three calls. Remember the power of three? One was to my beloved sister; one to an old friend back in Michigan who I’d not talked with in months; and finally to a new guy I’d met recently. Nothing fancy, just checking in and wishing them well in the new year.

Three emails (notwithstanding the dozens that go out each day) where also sent to people I’d not been in touch with for awhile. Again, simply wishing them well and reminding them of how important they are to me.

Finally, two emails of appreciation to a couple of fellow bloggers who I’ve been following from afar for some time. I let each of them know how much I admire their work, how informative their blogs are, and finally letting them know how important they are to me. Sense a theme here? Just the act of telling another how important they are to us is enough to let them know we appreciate them……just as they are.

Ok, fine, my task is done. Little did I know the unexpected outcomes of these very intentional actions.

First off there where two phone calls from people out of my past, back in Michigan. Reconnecting and saying I was on their minds, wondering what was up with me, and how I was doing.

Second, and this one really surprised me, and email arrived from a young lad I’d let live with me for short time back in 1991. He left unexpectedly when I found out he’d been letting ‘his fingers do the walking’, and more, on the 800 sex lines….on my dime, well, more than a dime, trust me.

Apparently a tune on the radio had brought back memories for him of my kindness allowing him to live with me and he wanted to connect, and send me the ‘phone bill’ money he owed me. Now what an incredible surprise this was!

Finally, in a coffee shop over the weekend a man, at the next table over from a friend and I, politely interrupted and asked if my name was Ronald. He then related that he’d heard a paper I’d presented at a conference in New Orleans back in the early 90’s and wanted to tell me how impressed he had been, and is, with my work and commitment to creating a ‘gay ok’ world. Wow! Can you believe that? Almost 20 years ago and there he is was drinking a cup of  ‘Joe” right next to me in a coffee shop. Amazing.

I say all this to remind you, and myself, of the unexpected results of intentional actions. We simple do not know, nor can ever dream of what our positive reaching out to another will result in. All it takes is the ‘intentional action’ of a kind word, a reconnection, a simple thought. Simple, right?

What three intentional actions do you plan to do in your life this week?