Mature Gay Mens Love Coach

In a recent conversation with a young gay man I’ve been mentoring for a year now, Malik was lamenting about  his challenges with finding a new boyfriend.  There where big problems with his latest attempt with a new “Mr Right”.

‘The sex is great, but I can’t spend time with him, besides he lives an hour away.  I’m not sure I’m available for him.”  This opened up a discussion around availability between me and him.

I asked the very simple question: What does being available mean to you Malik?  Now mind you this is a very intelligent young man who knows himself very well at his tender age.  I look forward to being a part of his life as he goes off to college soon, but I digress.

We quickly outlined three aspects of availability which I’d like to flesh out here.

• Proxmity
• Emotional Connectedness
• Willingness

Proxmity

Malik was clearly able to see that he was not going to be available for a local boyfriend anytime soon as he was about to embark on the new journey of his college education.  His acceptance to a university halfway across the country would not make him available for a boyfriend in his home town.

While long distance relationships can work, they are filled with challenges.  Spending time with your boyfriend and going out, seeing movies, being with friends, or simple being in the same house with him is much more difficult if he lives 300 miles away.

IM’s, text messages, and even phone calls do not replace the personal connection of being with someone, in the flesh so to speak.  And the physical intimacy, the sex?  It often overshadows the emotional, intellectual, and the other connections when you only see each other a few times a month.  (There’s something strangly odd having phone sex with someone you’re used to sleeping with every nite too.)

Emotional Connectedness

Malik realizes the need for an emotional connection.  This can be as simple as listening about a difficult day; responding to a concern; airing differences; and the many other ways we connect on an emotional level.  These very nuanced connections are challenging when we don’t see each other often.  The little things in life, that make up a big part of our relationship, simple slip away.

Willingness

Now this is where Malik really made a breakthrough in his own understanding around his requirements in a relationship.  He realized he was unwilling to invest in a relationship which would not supply the important needs he had defined for himself.

Malik needed an an emotional connection.  He needed to be with a boyfriend/lover on a regular basis.  He needed a relationship that was based on more then just sex.

In short,  what he needed in a relationship would not, could not, be met with this new guy.  For these reasons he was unwilling to continue to invest energy, time, and commitment to him.

What are your needs/desires/requirements?  Have you defined them?  Are you looking at what you want in a relationship?  I invite you to share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Coach Notes:  The pleasure of sharing my experiences and life lessons with a young gay man, who is newly coming out and connecting with others, is immense.  Malik is a very willing, and eager young man who values the connection with an older gay man.

Who are you sharing your experience with?

If at all possible be available to the young gay men in your world.  Share with them, teach them, support them, but more importently listen to them.  They are telling your story from which you can learn also.

These young men need, desire, and deserve the experience of an older, perhaps more mature ‘Gay Uncle’  to walk with them on their journey.  Malik affectionately calls me his ‘Fairy God Father’…and for that I’m grateful.  Have you ever wondered how your life would be different it you’d had a ‘older gay brother’ to share his experience with you?

Who is in your world now who you could be a mentor to?