Mature Gay Mens Love Coach

In a recent conversation with a young gay man I’ve been mentoring for a year now, Malik was lamenting about  his challenges with finding a new boyfriend.  There where big problems with his latest attempt with a new “Mr Right”.

‘The sex is great, but I can’t spend time with him, besides he lives an hour away.  I’m not sure I’m available for him.”  This opened up a discussion around availability between me and him.

I asked the very simple question: What does being available mean to you Malik?  Now mind you this is a very intelligent young man who knows himself very well at his tender age.  I look forward to being a part of his life as he goes off to college soon, but I digress.

We quickly outlined three aspects of availability which I’d like to flesh out here.

• Proxmity
• Emotional Connectedness
• Willingness

Proxmity

Malik was clearly able to see that he was not going to be available for a local boyfriend anytime soon as he was about to embark on the new journey of his college education.  His acceptance to a university halfway across the country would not make him available for a boyfriend in his home town.

While long distance relationships can work, they are filled with challenges.  Spending time with your boyfriend and going out, seeing movies, being with friends, or simple being in the same house with him is much more difficult if he lives 300 miles away.

IM’s, text messages, and even phone calls do not replace the personal connection of being with someone, in the flesh so to speak.  And the physical intimacy, the sex?  It often overshadows the emotional, intellectual, and the other connections when you only see each other a few times a month.  (There’s something strangly odd having phone sex with someone you’re used to sleeping with every nite too.)

Emotional Connectedness

Malik realizes the need for an emotional connection.  This can be as simple as listening about a difficult day; responding to a concern; airing differences; and the many other ways we connect on an emotional level.  These very nuanced connections are challenging when we don’t see each other often.  The little things in life, that make up a big part of our relationship, simple slip away.

Willingness

Now this is where Malik really made a breakthrough in his own understanding around his requirements in a relationship.  He realized he was unwilling to invest in a relationship which would not supply the important needs he had defined for himself.

Malik needed an an emotional connection.  He needed to be with a boyfriend/lover on a regular basis.  He needed a relationship that was based on more then just sex.

In short,  what he needed in a relationship would not, could not, be met with this new guy.  For these reasons he was unwilling to continue to invest energy, time, and commitment to him.

What are your needs/desires/requirements?  Have you defined them?  Are you looking at what you want in a relationship?  I invite you to share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Coach Notes:  The pleasure of sharing my experiences and life lessons with a young gay man, who is newly coming out and connecting with others, is immense.  Malik is a very willing, and eager young man who values the connection with an older gay man.

Who are you sharing your experience with?

If at all possible be available to the young gay men in your world.  Share with them, teach them, support them, but more importently listen to them.  They are telling your story from which you can learn also.

These young men need, desire, and deserve the experience of an older, perhaps more mature ‘Gay Uncle’  to walk with them on their journey.  Malik affectionately calls me his ‘Fairy God Father’…and for that I’m grateful.  Have you ever wondered how your life would be different it you’d had a ‘older gay brother’ to share his experience with you?

Who is in your world now who you could be a mentor to?

Dear Coach,

My Sex Buddy and I have been hooking up on and off for almost 2 years now. Part of his work keeps him on the road. I’m in love with him but we have never discussed a relationship b/c we have an unsaid understanding that he is busy and can only hook up when he is in town. The sex is awesome. Is this all that it is going to be?

Confused in LA
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Dear Confused in LA,

It would appear the classic trap of confusing sex and love has befallen you.  Without a clear discussion between you and ‘Mr Sex Buddy’ you are left creating your own definition of the relationship, which is clearly different from his.

Your answer to ‘is this all there is going to be’ is clear in the question.  While there may be more, the ‘unsaid understanding’ defines the relationship.  When he’s in town the hook up will occur.  Nothing more is defined, at least clearly between the two of you, except sex buddies.

My first request for you?  Talk to him and begin to define the connection.  Are we sex buddies?  Lovers? Friends? Occasional ‘lets get together and have some fun’ buddies?  Clearing this up, or at least beginning to talk about it, will allow you to decide if, and how, you want to continue.

All to often ‘Fred’ sees his time with ‘John’ as a great sexual connection.  While ‘John’ has the misguided belief that he’s in a relationship, in love, the real thing, rather then just a hookup buddy.

John is the only one who is troubled here.  He wants a relationship and thinks he has one, yet he is not getting his needs met, other then the sex.

You say the sex is awesome?  Great!  If that is all you want from him that’s great too.  Yet if you want (need) more then it’s time to step up and talk.

What’s it going to be for you?  Sex Buddy (nothing wrong with that) or Lover?  Until you become clear what the relationship is about, there will always be questions, and disappointments, for yourself.

Additionally, if there is no real potential for anything more, you’re wasting a lot of time, and energy, when you could be out there attracting Mr Right.

Coach Ronald

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Coach Notes:  What has been your experience with undefined ’sex buddy’ relationships?  Feel free to add your comments, thoughts, and suggestions in the comments box below.  I, and Mr Confused, look forward to hearing from you.

(Coach Notes: The official launch of this site will be February 1st.  Until then some links, information pages, and layout thoughts will not be fully implemented.  Please ‘Pardon Our Dust’ until all the wallboard, fancy bells and whistles, and attractive lighting are finished, or as close as I can get in the time left.)

Attracting Mr Right is all about visibility.

He’s not going to find you in your living room in front of the tube now is he?

What are you doing to make yourself visible?

Being out there in the real world is the  key. I was very visible this past week with all the inaugural events around town.  And gosh, did I get a lot of great pictures too!

Ok, you’re out and about, now what?  Two thoughts come to mind.

First be approachable.  Smile and make it known you’re friendly, especially to people who may be a bit uncertain, like all these DC visitors.  While I love my iToy, oops I mean my iPhone with it’s build in iPod music box, I made a point of not wearing the headphones recently.  How available can one be by hiding behind earbuds or with their nose in a book?  Be visible and approachable.

Secondly, reach out and take the risk to connect. Get into the habit of talking to people. Oft times we are afraid of rejection which prevents us from making the effort to talk with others.  In two words?  Get over it.  Oh, I guess that’s three words but you get the point.  Either way it’s better to be rejected, and learn how to be more assertive, then to beat ourselves up later for not trying at all.  What have you got to loose?

Yesterday on the metro train to my office I sat across from an older gentleman and what appeared to be his 20something son.  The cute lad looked at me and smiled.  Was that an invitation to chat with them or what?

I leaned towards them and asked, ‘Are You in Town Visiting?”

The father looked up from his Metro map and said, “yes, my son and I are here for the inauguration of President Omaha.”

That began a conversation.  They where from Chicago, going to their congressman’s office to get their tickets, I spoke of my moving to DC from SW Michigan, and the weather, etc.

Halfway in I introduced myself and found out they where John and David.  Shaking my extended hand son David excitedly said, ‘this is my first time in Washington and I really like it here.”  “Well, perhaps you’ll come back to visit again, real soon,” had the young lad beaming.

We chatted for another ten minutes or so until I’d arrived at my stop.  I stood up and simple said, ‘John, David?  Good to meet you and I hope you enjoy your visit.  Please come back to ‘your nations capital’ again.  Trust me, the summers here are specular.’   (Use peoples names often, as everyone likes to know you remember and hear their own name, right?)

Now this was just a simple interaction with no agenda on my part.  I enjoyed it, and they seemed to as well.  The thought of a stranger talking to them on the train in Washington, DC may have dispelled any negatives they many have had.….and I enjoyed it too!

Consider what the outcome might have been, say, had this happened in a coffee shop, or a restaurant, or perhaps at the club with only the young lad David alone without his dad.  Who knows where it might have gone and it began with me reaching out, being approachable, and of course, visible.

My request for you this week is for you to reach out to three complete strangers.  Begin a conversation, ask questions, introduce yourself and get their (his) name, and see where it goes.  Are you willing to do that?

Let me know how it went for you by leaving a comment also, or email me with your results.

Lastly, what ideas do you have about reaching out, being visible, or taking risks to meet new guys?  Let me know.

Coach Ronald

One of my New Years Resolution requests was for you to be ‘good to others’.  This includes reaching out to others, offering a word of encouragement, a kind word, simply a connection,  or reconnection.  Let me relate my experience of doing just that.

I made three calls. Remember the power of three? One was to my beloved sister; one to an old friend back in Michigan who I’d not talked with in months; and finally to a new guy I’d met recently. Nothing fancy, just checking in and wishing them well in the new year.

Three emails (notwithstanding the dozens that go out each day) where also sent to people I’d not been in touch with for awhile. Again, simply wishing them well and reminding them of how important they are to me.

Finally, two emails of appreciation to a couple of fellow bloggers who I’ve been following from afar for some time. I let each of them know how much I admire their work, how informative their blogs are, and finally letting them know how important they are to me. Sense a theme here? Just the act of telling another how important they are to us is enough to let them know we appreciate them……just as they are.

Ok, fine, my task is done. Little did I know the unexpected outcomes of these very intentional actions.

First off there where two phone calls from people out of my past, back in Michigan. Reconnecting and saying I was on their minds, wondering what was up with me, and how I was doing.

Second, and this one really surprised me, and email arrived from a young lad I’d let live with me for short time back in 1991. He left unexpectedly when I found out he’d been letting ‘his fingers do the walking’, and more, on the 800 sex lines….on my dime, well, more than a dime, trust me.

Apparently a tune on the radio had brought back memories for him of my kindness allowing him to live with me and he wanted to connect, and send me the ‘phone bill’ money he owed me. Now what an incredible surprise this was!

Finally, in a coffee shop over the weekend a man, at the next table over from a friend and I, politely interrupted and asked if my name was Ronald. He then related that he’d heard a paper I’d presented at a conference in New Orleans back in the early 90’s and wanted to tell me how impressed he had been, and is, with my work and commitment to creating a ‘gay ok’ world. Wow! Can you believe that? Almost 20 years ago and there he is was drinking a cup of  ‘Joe” right next to me in a coffee shop. Amazing.

I say all this to remind you, and myself, of the unexpected results of intentional actions. We simple do not know, nor can ever dream of what our positive reaching out to another will result in. All it takes is the ‘intentional action’ of a kind word, a reconnection, a simple thought. Simple, right?

What three intentional actions do you plan to do in your life this week?

As is the custom for many of us, today we may contemplate the commitments to a few New Years Resolutions or two. A commitment? To really follow thru? Or simple believe we will still be at it in six months, well three months. Ok we’ll think about thinking about doing something new in the new year.’

Ok, lets try something different. I’ve three requests of you in this new year. This is what a Coach does, makes requests, and I like the power of three since usually one, hopefully all of the three can be accomplished. These requests are not really all that difficult. (Your mileage may vary tho)

#1 Be good to yourself first

* Honor your body: Join a gym, or go back (often) to the one you’re all ready a member of.
* Eat well: Take a look at what you put into your body and incrementally feed yourself in new and better ways.
* Begin thinking in new way: Stop beating yourself for past failings. Look at today as a new, and only day you have. Be more positive and when possible, push out those thoughts which don’t serve your well being.
* Nourish your soul: Continue to participate in a form of spirituality which works for you, or recommit to those forms of ’soul nourishment‘ which worked for you in the past that may have drifted out of your life.
* Join a new group, or engage those you’ve been a part of before. (Book club; meditation group; social activism; social activities; 12 Step; volunteer for an agency; staff a phone line.)

#2 Be good to others

* Commit to supporting the friends, relatives, coworkers, and lovers in your life now. Call someone you’ve lost track of. Remind all those around you just how important they are to you, and to your life.
* Perform ‘random acts of kindness‘ each and every day. The joy of these simple acts will bring untold satisfaction into your life, with little or no energy on you part.
* Join a group (see above and add to that list those places where you can make a even a small difference in the life of someone else).

#3 Be good to the earth. Ok, well this one is fairly easy and we’ve all heard what we need to do so I won’t expound my thoughts here. Simple put, do what you can on a daily basis to preserve our planet.

Alternative #4. Ok, I said three yet here is a 4th for those of you who are looking for a new guy to share your life with.

This one’s simple, stay tuned. I’m about to unveil this new website for those who are looking for Mr Right, and the clever one’s in the room have already figured out the name of this new site. ISOMrRight.com! How simple is that?

I’ll let you know when it’s ready to be opened up for the visiting public.  The place is a bit busy and messy right now with me, a consultant guy, and George the cat moving things around and finding places for all the old stuff and all the kewl new widgets and the like.   Stay tuned!